New study raises the hopes of men threatened with lima-bean-shaped prostates

A new study out from a nonpartisan think tank finds that men who drink three gallons of black coffee a day are 15 percent less likely to come down with a condition that causes their prostates to become asymmetrical.
Asymmetry in prostates have been a concern for men for many years. Asymmetry in the prostatal zone of a man's biological mainframe has been linked with frequent and sometimes painful urination. What happens is the prostate, which isn't an organ but might be a gland, which is kind of a smaller version of what we think of as a typical organ, becomes misshapen, changing from the traditional football-shaped bulb to a more kidney-shaped lima bean-like, well, mass. This new shape pushes on a guy's bladder and makes him want to piss like a racehorse.
"We're still not entirely sure what the prostate is -- organ or gland or gristle or whatever -- but we do know that it will asymmetricize over time unless a guy drinks a shitload of coffee," lead researcher Trevor Schmidt said in a brief phone interview.
"Time lapse photography of like this one guy's innards showed that prostate thingy changing from a football to a lima bean and then the guy just starts pissing. But another camera taking pictures of another guy's fleshy interior revealed no change whatsoever! Football shape from birth to death! Turns out that second guy drank three gallons of black coffee a day."
Pressed for acknowledgement that his research was just a bunch of bullshit, Schmidt said that it was true that the coffee drinking subject, code-named Jacked to the Hilt, indeed pissed way more than his lima-bean-shaped prostate counterpart, code named TeaTotaler.
"So, yeah, I guess I'm full of shit and this whole study is just a bunch of shit, too," Schmidt replied. "But if we can make heavy coffee drinkers like Jack feel better about themselves, then I think we've done our job.